Lonely Christmas and New Year

I have grown out of my twentyness (finally) at the age of 32. Thereafter, I spend every christmas day and new year's day alone, abroad or pigging at home.

I was no longer tempted by the numbskull thumpa thumpa, the clouds of fantasy, fountains of intoxication, fake pretty young things and the feeling of being out-of-control, out-of-this-world.

End of exploration? The fact is, I have not done with exploring myself. Every time I am this close of facing my inner demons, I choose to retreat with a big step of self denial. I know it will be futile to keep asking when will I be ready to move on to the next signigicant phase of my life. In fact I already know the answer. One will never be ready enough.

The elements of uncertainties often present itself as a big mental wall for many. I am not spared. Some might find it easy to break through but some will simply be retarded by this wall. I heard many have said, time ... time will be the key to unlock the door that remains so apparent yet being deliberately ignored for so long.

I think I have found the key but I lost my way and I couldnt find the door.

Life is always a bitch and it bites.