I’m a f**king prick

Quiet Lunch, it shall be today.

Friday’s lunch are Thursday Fried Rice and Tuesday soup.

Feeling a little (just a lil) guilty and massive relief for blowing up last week. Had too much reds as I thought it could numb my nerves and emotions. A big stroke on my ego, real hard. I couldn’t believe myself for being so neurotic and insane for her. Guess it is just too painful inwards till I finally succumbed to the fear within me. I was totally engulfed by this extreme pain till I felt momentarily numb. As numb as I couldn’t feel any pain peripherally. I cried. Couldn’t remember when’s the last time I’m being such a sissy crybaby. Ha Ha. Pain haunts and lingers but I guess I will be ok.

F**k off and get out are the only few words I remembered. Strangely, I couldn’t remember clearly what was hollered that night. Anyway, the scene I made was unacceptable but I am glad. Sick.

I was honestly impressed with my friend’s ability (better than me) to f**k care things that would bother or depress himself and others. Of cos, we get upset, but that usually doesn't last that long and can carry on as if nothing happened, nothing screwed up.

I believe I can but have to master this skill to a next higher level. (Probably, there are nine levels just like those cliché chinese martial arts movies). I wonder if that's really normal. But heck…what the f**k.

Stepping back and look extensively, I realised that I have started to extend this self-centredness to my own family. Why am I like this? So f**king contradicting. When I travel, I'd be gone for weeks. Moreover, now I have kicked myself out of my comfort nest for almost two whole months. Though I still call back, knowing my mum misses me badly, I hardly dropped by. Dun wana let her see and feel I’m upset. She knew me too well. Heh heh.

I also feel I am starting to lose touch with my old school buddies and so forth mostly out of not taking any interest in what was going on with them. What the f**k am I trying to do. My heart and mind are just too pre-occupied with her. How does the song go? My heart will go on and on……….. kudos to celine dion. Yucks.

My friends have been mercilessly reminding me of being emotionally unattached to the extreme of being devoid of any emotion in my college days. They were upset then. I didn’t know what to say but utter “sorry”. They say it’s “pay back time” aka retribution. Of coz, I think they are kidding… sick humor……. when I am still upset. Sadistic friends.

Guess I just have to work hard to bridge the gaps in lifestyle, because the older I get, the more I needed the people I knew when I was younger. I f**king don't know, maybe I needed to become a monk, a hermit or just f*king prick. Eh, someday I'll figure myself out.

Anyway, like it or not, I am still able to cook good food. I just made the proud-lover-of-her-husband's-inverted-nipples lady finish up a pot (not just a bowl) of fried rice last night. She has to seriously consider to run from CCK to BB and BB back to CCK. Muah hahaha