Tug-of-war dilemma

I have been asking “what do I want” profusely over these years. And these years I have also noticed there are glaring changes in how I echoed my replies. In my late twentyness, like any other guys, I would be confused with issues like: what is expected of me and what I really want for myself; .who am I and how I wanted to portray myself in different schools of folks; what I am required to do versus what I want to do.

There are times where

- I thought I am restricted by obvious reasons to pursue the things I wanted to do.
- I wanted to pursue a thing but ended up in getting another.
- I insist and focus to get and achieve the things that I thought I am capable, ended realising it ain’t great afterall.
- Something breaks my heart and made me think I have lost faith in people, yet I know I shouldn’t let it create any deep cuts in my heart and shouldn’t make myself an anti-social self centered prick.
- Take certain things and people for granted but jolly well know that I should take nobody for granted.
- I thought I can tolerate lies and lip services but I know I don’t have to pay attention to these selfish motherf**kers.
- I think I have a f**king serious face, super unapproachable. I think I am misunderstood. In the end I kinda like being myself.

As predictable and boring this may seem, I believe everyone has to go through this kind of “identity-crisis” before one gets to know what he wants to achieve and accept just the way he is. Though, this perpetual tug-of-war within my inner-self has caused great troubles, I think I enjoyed it.

Wait, please do not jump into conclusion. I am no freak. (To be critical, I am just being FAN JIAN (FAN JIAN = Self denial) at times. I think all of us, to a certain extent are subjected to FAN JIAN))

It is now important to know the ends of the rope (extremities) as this will allow me to locate and learn to stay in the middle. Most of us have always wanted to live on this comfortable middle ground.

It does not matter which sides wins. Actually, the issue of which sides wins is totally irrelevant. Because, one thing I am very sure, Love always emerge as the champion of this tug-of-war and Compassion has always been the way for one to love self and possibly, others.

Now, in my EARLY (sounds great, isn’t it) thirties, I am glad that I have been through all these, though I have got myself bruised and hurt along the way. Painful.

In the next few years to come, I am very sure what I need and want to do. To better keep track of what I want, I will start to list the things I wanted to do.

Short term
- Get myself to start learning how to drive a stick
- Learn a new cuisine (maybe french or cantonese)
- Bring my parents for a tour ( I have always wanted to do that)

Long term
- Set up an engineer’s food stall. Yes, exclusively for engineers only.
- Get married before age 35.