Dilemmatic Anger

This was drafted quite a while ago in a fit of anger but was never published then.

This beast of anger will now serve as a reminder to me that I appear incredibly stupid when I am antagonised. = )

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I think I am foolish to even ponder these deliberate trifles relative to the perfect intelligence of mine. Yet the discomfort, uncertainty, misunderstanding, assumptions are little imps that are constantly chewing my soul.

How naïve and insolently foolish to think that the strong and compassionate silk of trust exists. Apparently, all conversations and associations are constantly littered with subtle antagonisms and hasty assumptions. Perpetual clouds of disappointment clouded the already eclipsed mind and heart. Miscarriaged wits, unreasonable doldrums, bitter betrayal, sour jealousy, selfish pride and ego are obscuring the heydays.

Herculean effort is required to initiate the reversal and I am starting to (but paradoxically I refuse to) believe solitude is probably the simplest relief of this torment.

Ctrl Z

I, Soup Lad am pretty stressed up these few weeks because documents are piling up, pending for my review and approval. There has been couple of bad decisions made this week, which resulted in re-work, and these are getting on my nerves.

“ I shouldn’t have said this”. “ I shouldn’t have done that” Damn!

Regrets and Remorse.

Nincompoop, I am. I have not done enough research and was often distracted by personal agendas. This is hell-taking toil in my work. I should have ensure my assumptions and risks taken are well calculated before making any decisions and approving documents. I should have ………… I should have………….. I should have……….

But, you see, every now and then, for friends who knew me well, I am pretty sure I will make some stupid decisions and do something foolish. The next thing, I found out is….. I am WRONG!! Well, the difficult part comes when I have to eat the humble pie, swallow the bitter pill to admit my mistake and apologized.

I had a very bad morning yesterday. I had had done something stupid. This morning, I woke up not even thinking about going to work but wanted to go a temple or any place where I can simply chill out. It rained very heavily whilst walking to the MRT. I was completely drenched.

Next, I hopped in a Loop-service bus to get myself to the temple. I was thinking about that embarrassing morning where I almost done something that will result in serious consequences like being cane! < just kidding > . I thought about it for almost the entire journey. If only I could erase that embarrassment.

I think everyone should be very familiar with the four-lettered word, UNDO AKA Ctrl Z. Even writing this blog in my word processor, I have invoked Ctrl Z more than half a dozen times.

When we are little, I bet most of us have engaged ourselves in 100%mischeivous activities. Have you ever notice that there is this formidable, latent Ctrl Z in our young innocent minds? It does its job so well and efficient that as if what mischief we did never happened. There are no regrets, remorse, no guilt, no stale feelings (though there may be some, they are pretty short-lived). You wouldn’t even remember you have committed any mischievous acts, then.

How I wish that UNDO button is still resident in my mind. I would like to undo and forget the mistakes I've made at work and the problems I've created with fellow colleagues and friends so I didn't have to spend time rebuilding the trust and the savage any damaged relationships. But the big problem is, I can’t find this metaphorical UNDO button. However, if I ever find this button, I foresee the only thing that the UNDO button can do for me now is to enable me to just pretend I have done nothing stupid.

The metaphorical UNDO button is nothing but a fanatical escapism. Making stupid decisions, committing foolish acts are actually all about character building --- the hard way. These bad decisions and lousy behaviors serve as a reminder to my friends and me in more years to come. I have much faith that sometime, somewhere, someone will say “ooi, can you still recall what happened last time when we …….blah blah blah

This is chiseling one’s character, and OUCH! It hurts sometimes.

Instead of stopping at the temple, I alighted a stop earlier to help my friend to pick up something that he lost in a cab.