Too close

I had the entire afternoon to myself today. It has been a long time that I have some time to myself to do some housekeeping, literally and mentally.

I was going through my blog and realise I have been an emotional nincompoop all this while. Nevertheless, I have never felt myself closer to my own feelings for her. Real close. Frightening.

I think I just want to admit that while I certainly have a lot to digress, I am actually not ready for myself yet. I am just trying to be easy on the thought of recognising myself and knowing what the f**k I am doing and thinking all this while. All my friends, please be patient with me.

While, I jolly well knew the rules of keeping and maintaining friendship as well as starting and sustaining a serious relationship, I am still learning and picking up skills that I have never been exposed to. Many thanx to those gurus out there. I have learnt a great deal. Frankly. The level of diplomacy was upped a few notches.

I knew from confiding to confronting, that there is a groundswell of frustration and antagonism about the state of any relationship. I have eaten that little humble pie. I am retrofitting my emotion fortress.

Every Sha-la-la-la Every Wo-o-wo-o ….Still shines. Every shing-a-ling-a-ling That they're startin' to sing's ……So fine.. SHU BI DU WA WA... Bye Bye

It has been a wonderful Friday night, chilling out with my housemate and a bunch of TI guys in the Harry’s ..Holland Village.

The music is fine, though it could have been more upbeat. Honestly, I almost doze off as I was downing my second Killeney. He he. Suddenly, I felt myself perked up spontaneously and I guessed my eyes must have dilated a hundred times. Chick alarm has sounded ….Involuntarily and Uncontrollably.

I think I have a problem. To be accurate, I think my eyes have a problem. Roving eyes…. And they are not discrete. I have been told by my friends, many times, for whoever and whatever sake……to ogle discretely. Nevertheless, I was caught, obviously, ogling again by my housemate last evening. Hat trick…. this time. Yes, what the f**k, I am a relentless, hopeless, inconsiderate soup lad.

I knew many ladies find it rude and regard that as outraging their modesty. However, there are also many pretty friendly angels who will reciprocate with a smile. It’s a wonderful feeling. I’m luving it. I had a collegue. I always like to see her smile. Her smile has this incredible healing effect. It’s like a powerful multipurpose antidote that neutralises all shitty feelings after a day’s work. I really miss her smile. Honest.

Anyway, I believe women do ogle as well, but I think they are pretty discrete. That, I believe makes them better than us somehow.

Little Yellow Sea -- Part II

They are incrediblly white and smooth. Their curves are welcoming and accomodative.

"Feed me...........beast.......aaarrrrrr"

Couldn’t resist the urge further, and definitely having no time to spare, I thrust myself to the rightmost and ……..uhhh…

OMG…….

An intensive powerful strong jet spurts out audibly. It’s embarassingly loud. Luckily there’s nobody except myself. Yeah.. its violent. It is the momentum and subsequently the impact of the jet that causes excessive audible splashes. I reposition and angle myself tangently to the curve to minimise any potential splashage, thereby avoiding the creation of a bigger yellow sea.

No matter how hard I tried, it is almost impossible to successfully micturate without splashage. There are still worries about drippage that contributes to that little yellow sea.

Although, we have a pair of kidney who always attempt to make us DA LANG ZHAN (cantonese term for cold shrudder) ensuring we spurt out the very last drop. Unfortunately, no matter how we shake, pull, (let’s get creative) our peg, a yellow drop or a couple of them will still manage to find it way between your legs or near your pants.

"Ok, I need some rest, I promise to take you (center) next visit"

the Rightmost grins.....

I’m a f**king prick

Quiet Lunch, it shall be today.

Friday’s lunch are Thursday Fried Rice and Tuesday soup.

Feeling a little (just a lil) guilty and massive relief for blowing up last week. Had too much reds as I thought it could numb my nerves and emotions. A big stroke on my ego, real hard. I couldn’t believe myself for being so neurotic and insane for her. Guess it is just too painful inwards till I finally succumbed to the fear within me. I was totally engulfed by this extreme pain till I felt momentarily numb. As numb as I couldn’t feel any pain peripherally. I cried. Couldn’t remember when’s the last time I’m being such a sissy crybaby. Ha Ha. Pain haunts and lingers but I guess I will be ok.

F**k off and get out are the only few words I remembered. Strangely, I couldn’t remember clearly what was hollered that night. Anyway, the scene I made was unacceptable but I am glad. Sick.

I was honestly impressed with my friend’s ability (better than me) to f**k care things that would bother or depress himself and others. Of cos, we get upset, but that usually doesn't last that long and can carry on as if nothing happened, nothing screwed up.

I believe I can but have to master this skill to a next higher level. (Probably, there are nine levels just like those cliché chinese martial arts movies). I wonder if that's really normal. But heck…what the f**k.

Stepping back and look extensively, I realised that I have started to extend this self-centredness to my own family. Why am I like this? So f**king contradicting. When I travel, I'd be gone for weeks. Moreover, now I have kicked myself out of my comfort nest for almost two whole months. Though I still call back, knowing my mum misses me badly, I hardly dropped by. Dun wana let her see and feel I’m upset. She knew me too well. Heh heh.

I also feel I am starting to lose touch with my old school buddies and so forth mostly out of not taking any interest in what was going on with them. What the f**k am I trying to do. My heart and mind are just too pre-occupied with her. How does the song go? My heart will go on and on……….. kudos to celine dion. Yucks.

My friends have been mercilessly reminding me of being emotionally unattached to the extreme of being devoid of any emotion in my college days. They were upset then. I didn’t know what to say but utter “sorry”. They say it’s “pay back time” aka retribution. Of coz, I think they are kidding… sick humor……. when I am still upset. Sadistic friends.

Guess I just have to work hard to bridge the gaps in lifestyle, because the older I get, the more I needed the people I knew when I was younger. I f**king don't know, maybe I needed to become a monk, a hermit or just f*king prick. Eh, someday I'll figure myself out.

Anyway, like it or not, I am still able to cook good food. I just made the proud-lover-of-her-husband's-inverted-nipples lady finish up a pot (not just a bowl) of fried rice last night. She has to seriously consider to run from CCK to BB and BB back to CCK. Muah hahaha

Bye Bye Baby Bye Bye

When's yours?

Dun take it too seriously...yah?

Little yellow sea

I am f**king disgusted when I realised I have stepped onto a pee puddle near a urinal this afternoon in my company’s toilet. There is no turning back as I was in the midst of shooting my loads err … should I say second hand coffee plus redbull……

Emergency shutdown….No! Hell No!. It is almost impossible for any guys to stop draining his dragon mid-stream. It is like asking us to stop a MRT train flying underground - with our willy.

“Who is that mother-f**ker. Can’t even Pang Jio* -- straight. (*Hokkein {chinese dialect} Term meaning pissing, urinating)

S**t! &^%$%$#!!!!

Actually, what the hell am I complaining? Conscience stricken…..I admit I am also guilty of contributing to the size of the pee puddle. You see….if one notice there is a pee puddle in front of the urinal plus he has no choice but to drain his dragon at that urinal. He will definitly step further away from that urinal. But by doing so, he is definitely going to turn the that pee puddle into a little yellow sea.

At home, if you are sharing toilets with any female dwellers, they will defintely scream…. “What is the problem with you, can’t u aim?” But..... why are they complaining. Women also have aiming issues of their own. I have heard umpteen times from my mum, ex-girlfriend and friends bitching about the splattered toilet seats at public toilets. I am pretty certain that you guys are sitting or squatting on the toilet bowl. For goodness sake, don't tell me ladies sometimes shoot out sideways. Err......sorry for being crude. If you do, in any weirdest frame of mind, I am actually quite turned on.

I just wana say…. pee puddles are inevitable.

Pigging boredom

I was terribly drained yesterday. I was dozing off every 10mins and many times my head nearly banged on the table despite downing two cans of redbull that suppose to give me wings. Luckily, I do have an office to myself and everything happens behind closed door.

I felt dizzy again for the past two nights with occasional blinding flashes. Perhaps, I have not been sleeping properly or there are just too much stuffs that are too overwhelming and mind-boggling. My damned ankle started to bother me again. I started to get perturb that something must be wrong within me, but it also feels like it is just a lack of regular exercise.

Yesterday was a dull day at work. The biggest problem of having such a sloth-slow day like yesterday is that it is the kind of days where the ‘force’ is not with me. I can barely function. I had a quickie nap when I reached home before going down for some food. My appetite was lousy then. Nevertheless, I still proceed to have some more food later in the night.

It is quite amusing. On contrary, days when I am busier than an one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, I do not even consider consuming, no matter how my stomach growls. I just continue to work. What the f**k, I have even skipped dinner in the evening if I was sufficiently busy. I missed those days.

I have heard that some people will eat not because they are hungry. Strange? For me I will sometimes yield to junkies when I have nothing better to do. It is actually quite a stupid and frustrating trait, I have. Sometimes, I ponder how to completely dissociated pigging from boredom.

My Primary-Five-Science-Teacher

Batman begins with a pretty slow background and the sleepy bug that was bothering me for the past few days did not grant me any mercy. Luckily, the show kinda pick up with Bruce finally got into his black suit and ready for some action, before I slouched into slumberland.

The entire show encircles on how Bruce faces and conquers his fear of bats and eventually “becoming” the fear himself.

Don’t ask me what’s the irrelevancy for………..Batman reminds me of George Lam starring in the famous classic Guiness Stout advertisement “ NI PA HEI MA” ?

I fear a myriad of things. I fear owls. I fear my primary-five-science-teacher. I fear centipedes. I fear angry people. I fear uncertainty. I fear deep waters. I fear love. I fear anger. I fear losing. I fear inadequacy. I fear sea urchins and porcupines. You see…. fear depicts itself in many ways and varying extent. Almost always, fear depicts itself in the form of rage and frustration, as far as I am concerned.

Typically, I am angry because I am scared. I perceived anger as peripheral to many of my fears. I believe everyone’s life has been and will continue to be a perpetual battle to overcome fears. I have almost always felt that the fear within me can only be overcame when I am being pushed to ultimate point of rage and towards the cliff of failure. That very point of failure is a point where the fear is stripped to its utmost nakedness where I can finally embrace and overcome fear.

I will cite one example where fear is conquered at the brink of failure. Last couple of Sundays ago, my friends and I brought a group of kids for a high-confidence-obstacle course. The sight of the obstacles is daunting enough for most of the young ladies. I led a group of three ladies and two gentlemen to the “flying fox station”.

I have finally witnessed how does one face and conquer fear when they are being pushed to the point of failure. This young lady was shivering when she was standing on the “flying fox platform”. “I’m scared” was uttered repetitively. Finally, she teared and wanted to give up, not knowing that her upper body had already leaned out of the platform. Without any pre-warning she let out a super-duper-high-pitch scream………. the rest was history. When asked how she feels, without hesitation…. Good.

Fear sometimes is a paradox because it also presents itself as an opportunity to uncover one’s latent capability and resilience. This uncovering of our latent abilities requires courage and conscious effort. The decision to overcome fear and uncovering your resilience is so swift that sometimes one will miss it and remain to be fearful and angry

We do not have to be fearful and angry. If we are, we will be cursed with lousy dinner and bad or no sex (scary enough?). At that point of our life, we might retreat to that punishment, which we do not deserve.

Finally, if you are still wondering what is that dumb title of this post for..... dun worry u are defintely not the first one asking.

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Some of my favorite lines in “Batman Begins”

Bruce Wayne: You haven't given up on me yet?

Alfred Pennyworth: Never.

Alfred Pennyworth: [Alfred tries to lift a wooden beam off Bruce Wayne who struggles] Sir, whatever is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

Alfred Pennyworth: Why do we fall, sir? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves, up.

The Sacrecrow: You have nothing to fear... but fear itself!