A lazy Saturday morning.

Intended to make my way to ECP to shoot some pictures of my colleagues coaching windsurfing. If I am lucky I may get to see the same group of bikini cladded babes at the same breakwater sucking lollipops.

Heh.. shallowmale, I am.

Blame “Skeleton Key”.
Blame “my restless mind”.
Blame “Erdinger”
Blame “NR3”
Blame “the stars”
Blame “7650”
Blame myself….
for waking up late and came up with lame excuses.

With the ultimate remote control, I started to channel surf.

How I wish I have an ultimate remote control of time….I am not asking much …just some standard features……Rewind, fast forward, pause, stop, play….Not asking much….am I?

Time-rewind

To undo some sins. To unbreak my heart. To unhurt someone.

To meet people whom I think I have taken for granted thereby resulted them leaving only subtle footprints in my life.

F**k. I am still getting over it all. F**k

Time-fastforward

Wonder how many kids I will have. Wonder how high will I be on corporate ladder. Wonder my family will be all well and happy

F**k. I am still dreaming. F**k

Time-pause

Freeze my childhood. Freeze that moment. Freeze that feel.

F**k. Wishful thinking. F**k


Time-play

F**k. I am what I appear to be and what I wannabe. F**k

Time stop

F**k. I know I wouldn’t want to die now. F**K


Not asking much….am I?

Grabbing my wallet, Grabbing my pants. Grabbing my keys…..

I need to eat, Souplad.

And yes, Souplad, u are asking too much.

Empty promise

A week ago, I was told to be prepared for a 2 month overseas assignment in Shanghai. I was at cloud nine when I heard about this challenge to work in a foreign country, in a foreign environment. More importantly, a chance for me to reconsolidate my thoughts and emotions.

A week later, I was told I was needed for a more important task locally, probably a chance to prepare me for the corporate ladder. Honestly, I am not buying this bullshit. heh

Dissappointed.

I am.

Anyway I got over this quickly. Not the first time anyway. I just have to accept empty promises made by others and make things easier for others.

Reality and Love

Love takes no form
Love does not exist in reality.
Love is near to nothingness but manifest as echoes of fable

A fable agreed upon by lost souls
A fable that breeds painful wishes and expectations
A fable that leads one to a bottomless pit

Reality exposes this fable.
Reality exposes countless lies
Reality exposes harsh selfishness

Reality provides no affection
Reality provides no compassion
Reality provides no room for losers

Reality punches one’s gut
Reality slaps the daylight of out of you
Reality….bites.

Realising it is false
Realising it is not real
Realising it is reality

Making one weep at his own expense
Making one cringe at his own pity
Making one laugh at his stupidity

Love is a ghost

It lingers
It frightens
It haunts

Honey! I bought u a diamond.

Stumbled upon this website when I was looking for some gift ideas.

LifeGem - Like the memory of a loved one, a diamond lasts forever.

Folks here turn ya spouse into diamonds. I mean, when ya wife dies, u can approach these folks to turn her into what all women loves most.

Under super-heated temperatures, the ashes of ya late spouse will be transformed into graphite where the latter will be subsequently pressurised into diamond that you can wear her anywhere u want.



eh .. what was I looking for ? a gift? Choy! Choy! Choy!

Fix the dripping tap, idiot!

When was the last time that u got really pissed with a chronic problem. Got even more on your nerves when someone said there was nothing can be done, you had to live with it.

A relentless dripping tap in the background for instance was enough to cause much frustration when u were trying to get some rest or when u were trying to concentrate on some task.

What got really on my nerves sometimes, was, after I commented on this relentless dripping tap, some idiot said he had tried to fix it but it had not worked. That is all… with the presumption that was the end of the matter. If one had tried to fix the tap and the fixing did not work then it was just your lot to live with a dripping tap.

This made me wonder to myself if it got on their nerves. This drip-drip day in day out.

I think I could not notice any concern about it on the idiot’s part and so concluded they just were not bothered by things like dripping taps.

They were plain deaf.

Playing deaf.

tip of an iceberg

Last sat, I suggested to meet and chat.

Nope … we were not drinking beer this time.

The start of the conversation was difficult but the awkward silence was quickly overcame by me asking some cliché questions pertaining to work. Deep within me, I thought this was rather pathetic. I had to resort to ask these stupid cliché questions.

I could feel that we were really tied up in knots inside. I was pre-occupied with my views and my friend had his way of handling things. After all had happened which turned both of us into monsters inside, honestly, we just got very paranoiac and stressed about each other.

Anyway, cliché work updates and topic of his forthcoming adventure seemed to loosen the weird atmosphere up. Every word uttered was in a casual la-la tone. We tried hard to listen and to sustain the conversation. Then the block came again; I brought up the taboo topic, insisting an explanation and seek what lied underneath the tip of that whole damned titanic crash.

Total freeze out!

So this is my friend. I could fart and holler till I’m hoarse and I still would not make an impression on his skull. After some pseudo-calm exchange on the taboo subject, his eyes went completely glassy and attempted to look away by checking his mobile phone. He didn’t want to hear about it at all. And the more I tried to fart and fathom about it, the more irritated he got and the more frustrated I am.

Warning me that he was expecting some guests, we had to rush and close the subject. I was pretty pissed initially as I thought we could have put off to a later date rather than rushing the conversation with occasional rude look-aways and obvious distracted eyes.

My friend is not very stubborn, not narrow-minded. In fact, I seemed to be the narrow minded one in this situation. He is definitely not stupid. In fact, I always think he is much smarter in some ways, in some weird ways that I find myself stupid. Anyway, I believe we are both kind and smart. Unfortunately, we have conflict of interest thereby resulted us not seeing eye to eye in that taboo subject.

We knew there was no easy explanation and so the subject was still left suspended in the air, a kinda conundrum the both of us had given up on because there was no sense in just going round and round looking for an answer that’s probably not there.

I knew.

I understood.

I was not seeking for an answer.

I was all along seeking what’s underneath the tip of that titanic iceberg.

Morning Masume

I was catching up with my ex-student ( I used to give tuitions )this afternoon. He went on talking about his girlfriend and complained about his lecturers.

As usual, I don't give much advice because I think I cannot come up with any sound ones...I choose to ask him what are the things that most young punks like him do and like.

Knowing that I kinda like Jap dollies... he told me about this J pop group "Morning Masume".

Whoa ho... I think this is the biggest all-girl jap pop group I have ever noticed. With the numbers, schoolgirl bras and panties, "Morning Masume" could easily make some jap-dollies-fetish-dudes' nuts burst into fire.

Conversation Freeze Out ..................

I have kind friends and housemates forwarding me and telling me the old-monk-carrying-pretty-lady stories. I have heard and read this story at least a dozen times. Yes, I have read between the lines and I think I understood what my friends are driving at.

Disharmony is common enough in any relationships, be it parent-kid, sibling-sibling, teacher-student, BGRs, husband-wife, friend-friend…..but in my case, it is more tragic. To me, anyway.

I believe the titanic clash between my friend and I is not entirely on our distinct personality; it is something else, I believe. For which we believe neither is to be blame, for which neither has any solution, and for which, personally I think I don’t have any solution either.

It appears to be a tragedy because we or should I say, I…… I feel we could no longer talk freely. This friendship path is never going to be the same. At least…. not now . Though, we have agreed we should not feel any awkwardness when we talk but we knew better that anyone else that the emotional burden that lies underneath the tip of the iceberg is overwhelming. Both of us admit.

It is definitely disheartening to hear that from a friend. Perhaps, I am already very self-centered to think like this. But this is an IN-YOUR-FACE fact…. the fact that there is innate discomfort and emotional burden sitting on our shoulders.

These days we did not spend so much time talking or updating each other about what’s going on, in each other’s life. Drinking beer and chatting in KOPITIAM till late have became things of past. We can communicate and talk whatever comes to our mind. What comes to mind usually is whatever we have been thinking and doing for the day. It can be anything under the sun…..places we have visited, people, workplace scumbags, ambitions, childhood days, my past relationships, family, siblings, what’s in the news… ya da ya da……conversation just naturally builds pleasantly.

Recently, whenever our taboo topic has been on my mind, the building of the conversations stops. The conversation no longer moves forward. There is a silence and a break in continuum. The feeling is as though one is just on the critical verge of letting off a earth-shattering HA CHOO………….HA HAAA HA……… The urge to sneeze is suddenly gone…….GONE! Anticlimax!

The feeling is also just like two old friends, a catholic and protestant were boozing, enjoying life and the subject of abortion and the use of condoms somehow came up….Industrial-strength-freeze-out!

Naturally, when I discover something like that, it is as though I have found a tooth with missing filling. I can never leave it alone. I have to poke and work around it, push on it, think about it, not because it’s enjoyable but because it’s on my mind and I cannot suck it out of my mind.

And the more I talk about it, and push on the taboo subject, the more irritated my friend gets, and of course that make me want to push all the more. There is no intention to irritate the hell of out my friend (I swear) but because I believe, the irritation seems symptomatic of something deeper, something under the peripheral that is obviously not apparent.

When we talk about abortion what blocks it and freezes it out is that it’s not a matter of innocent lives lost, unprotected sex being argued. That’s mere peripheral. What’s hidden underneath the tip is a conflict of faith, of faith in empirical social planning versus faith in the authority of God as revealed by the teachings of the catholic church.

I am seeking to understand what lies underneath that tip…………………………………………………….

Digging my mind.

As mundane as this might seem to be,

I was rushing to get out of the house this morning to catch the first company bus.

As predictable as this might seem to be,

I missed it.

As logical as this might seem to be,

I am officially late for work.

I have been in such a hurry most of the time lately. Soaking myself with things that I would like to learn and experience, burying myself in books and experimenting new dishes in kitchen. The aftermath is kinda like endless day-to-day-shallowness, a routine that leaves Souplad wondering, where all the time went and is feeling kinda pity that time vanished every second.

The apparent environment that we have got so familiar with, now has been pushed relentlessly by modern faster-paced technologies with machines, computers, broad band communications… These changes that I have witnessed in my lifetime, not all are entirely improving the human kind. I think

What’s next? What is new?

These questions popped out frequently, from me.

Perhaps due to these changes, the entire environment and my thought channels speed up and are much wider now albeit the inevitable shallowness.

Perhaps it is time for me to think and try to clear the older channels. Removing the silt of trivia and fad, cutting the channels deeper and start asking, “What’s best for me, for my loved ones and for everyone I care.”

“What’s best?” cuts deeper rather than wider. The answer to this question would probably remove the slit from the clogged stream of my mind.

“What’s best” is obviously very hard to answer. Most of the time, I am too pre-occupied with my prejudice and my consciousness. This often resulted in obliterating the banks, flooding my mind and lose my central flow of thoughts.

Some digging of my thought channels is a must.

Fear Rocks.

I have tried to better myself......to overcome the many manifestations of fear within me...........

Singing in front of strangers (Was told to take part in singing contest instead of singing in pubs and karaoke)

Cycling (Tried in sec days, but always ended with countless bruises. Overcame the fear from falling of the bike during Army Dazes. All thanks to my army bros who "force" me to ride a bicycle)

Ice skating (Fell flat on my face. Was grossly rewarded with bruised, crack kneecap as well as sore chin. Manage to skate in circles without falling. Nope.... have not overcame the fear of falling on ice....)

Diving (Got my open water diving license Apr 2003. The experience is unforgettable! Still a yo yo diver, was rather guilty of making my dive buddy nosebleed coz he has a serious pressure-equalising issue )

10km run (Did that 2 years ago. Was not sufficiently prepared for this run. Ended up walking by the beach for 3km. Timing is a pathetic 1hr 20 mins)

Reverse Bungee (Did dat on my birthday last year, eve of a road trip to RAWA island. How was it? Chey.....like dat only)

Rollerblading (The experience is almost similar to ice skating. Sores, bruises and ouchs are inevitable. Falls and more falls)

Tennis (Lost quite a number of tennis balls. Self taught... and later coached by my ex college who went to Perth for good. Haiz... Have not been tennising for a long time)

Squash (Pick this game up last year. Have not been doing that lately)

Tademn Jumps (Did it last year. The feeling of free falling is incredible. Ball-cringing experience. Another unforgettable and crazy thing I did)

High Confidence Obstacle Course (An activity of a volunteering project for kids from a children's home. Walking sideways on a single rope with a kid, 4 storeys above the ground was definitely another unforgettable experience. My legs wobbled so much. I was terrified yet had to encourage my mentee who was equally, if not more terrified than I was. The fear of falling off the rope is so overwhelming and IN-YOUR-FACE.)

Baking (First baking experience was a disaster. Was trying to bake a chocolate cake but tasted like chocolate HUAT KUEH....I was very amused whenever I recalled upon this baking disaster. Baked a New-York cheesecake last couple of weeks. I was rather pleased with this baking adventure.)

Salsa (I thought I have a natural talent in dancing till I was proven wrong 3 weeks ago. I made a fool out of myself. My friend could not stop laughing at my expense though she is just as bad as I am. The thrills of seeing ladies rushing to you to practice dancing is ahem...... good as well as embarrassing. Yes... the ratio is 1 guy:5 ladies.)

Kickboxing (Like Salsa, kickboxing requires lotsa concentration. Cool sport.)

BoardSailing (Did that over the last weekend. Enjoyed it tremendously despite falling of the board countless number of times. The fear of the open sea, choppy waves, falling of the board have been so in-your-face. The thrills of overcoming that and able to glide through the waves are priceless.)

In months or years to come

I wanted to try.............


1 month Solo backpacking

Rugby

Full Marathon

French Dessert Making

to volunteer for AIDS patients

to volunteer in Bhutan (a very mysterious country)

3 month Solo backpacking.

********************************************************************************
Coach Ken Carter: What is your deepest fear?
Timo Cruz: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.